My boring PhD

This is my third attempt to jot down my thoughts and emotions about completing my PhD.

When I look back at my PhD journey, I’ve realised that I’ve conveniently forgotten all the parts that made it tough. I have to try really hard to put myself back into the pressure, anxiety, and stressful state of mind. There were times I’d write down ideas for research at the back of my gym notebook. There were times I’d pray for the reviewers to accept my work; sometimes, it’d be just for any feedback.

It’s great that the memories that first spring to mind are, in a way, happy ones. They also have nothing to do with the PhD. Yet somehow, I would not have been able to appreciate this had I not gone down this path.

I’ve tried hard to write down my journey, but I’ve realised that, at least to me, my story is boring. And that is one of the best things about my PhD. I did not have any problems with my supervisor; he was incredibly supportive. I was lucky not to have any financial troubles, at home or with myself; I was on a fully funded scholarship. I had a great support network: my girlfriend, my parents, and my friends. I’ve come and achieved what I’ve achieved from a great position of privilege.

Do not mistake me; the PhD was tough. There were times I’ve considered dropping out. There were many times I asked what the point of it all was. It has often tested my faith. It has often tested my belief. It tested me every day. And yet, I’ve had to try hard to remember these facts. They’ve been boxed up and shoved into a corner of the brain, shrouded by the happy.

I had a conversation with my programme manager, and I told her that the PhD felt a lot like the marathon. I promised her that I would write something for her that expanded on this analogy. I tried, and I’m sorry I couldn’t do it. My initial draft was an optimism-fuelled, everyone-can-do-it piece comparing it to a marathon. But it didn’t feel right. What is apt now is that I’ve forgotten all the pain I went through during the marathon. All I remember is the celebration afterwards and that I now want to run one again. I won’t, however, do another PhD.